A few bits today before moving on:
- Terribly sad, sad news from Miley Cyrus. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to go on.
- If you smoke, you should quit. If you don’t care that I care, then at least think of your wallet.
- I’m very disappointed that math was never quite like this.
- What? Twilight isn’t real? GTF out of here already! I want vampires dammit!
- The Pope has decided, for some reason, to offer his Holy insights on condoms. Really? Condoms don’t prevent disease, they make it easier to transmit them? Is this a South Park episode?
- A Republican hottie? No way! Thank you Mehan McCain! There is hope for the future, and it has washboard abs!
Ok, enough for now. I like links by the way. You get many more. Just not today. Let’s talk about ME again.
In the ongoing effort to initiate you all into the finer nuances of ME, I have decided that further information is required into who, exactly, I am. You should be thrilled now. I’ll wait a sec for the effect to take root. (Insert Jeopardy tune here) There now? Excellent. Given that it would take some time to get together a list of oddities regarding ME, I decided to let Facebook do it on MY behalf. So, from the meme of “25 Things About ME”, I offer you this look into MY life thus far. Where necessary (by “necessary”, I mean to say, “Where I so chose to do as I wished”) I have made alterations or additions to the original.
1. If I could sit at a computer all day and simply communicate by the written word, I would do so, which would ensure that you all continue to find ME “funny and uplifting”. Or something like that. Talking…er…not always so much.
2. I have a dog, Curbie (or Poohsie Poo, as Alice calls him), 2 cats (Maggie the Hungry Bitch and Ray the Mildly Retarded), a rat (named One), and two bunnies (Nyven the Sweet and Cadbury “TARROC” the Bunny). I am fond of them all, but find that having a 65 lb dog sleep on MY legs at night makes it difficult to move. I deal with it.
3. Until very recently, I had no idea that women (generally speaking) actually found ME attractive. I’m still not sold on this idea. I avoid mirrors as if I were a vampire. Which I might yet be.
4. I’m much better at being Timmy Christ than Billy Christ. Could be a function of self or of desire. But Billy’s way more funnerer.
5. When I was, like, 8, I stole money from MY mom’s purse at home to go buy a big Chewbacca figure. No joke. Very sad. Unfortunately, MY mom happened to be in the store at that time and walked up behind ME while I was in line to pay for it. Um…not good. Hearing, “So, whatcha got there son?” still haunts ME to this day.
6. I don’t believe that I am that good of a person. I don’t know why I feel that way. Maybe because I live in my head and know what’s there. You’d probably feel the same.
7. I don’t enjoy being poor. I refuse to be that way much longer.
8. I smoked for a week when I was 12. I got tired of rushing home to brush MY teeth before mom got home and quit. Way too much work. I’m not that motivated.
9. After failing to cut the lawn (as ordered) at 15, I told my dad–from the lay sanctity of the sofa–“Do you ever notice how work gets in the way of having fun?” Genius. I decided that day to be a writer. Nothing could help ME realize MY dream more.
10. I went to a Debbie Gibson concert. Yes, I know. Just know that I am still not embarrassed by those 4th row seats. And then I balanced that out later that year by going to see Motley Crue. Oddly, the canceling out effect did not take place. I somehow still remember the DG concert, depite MY best efforts. Total Recall? Memory wash?
11. Do not read MY work in my presence. I will hover. I’m terrified you won’t like it. Additionally, do not read over MY shoulder while I type. I don’t like the stalker feeling you leave ME with.
12. I miss MY cat Rocky. He was the best. I blame she-must-not-be-named to this day.
13. I came very close, in ’94 or so, to just getting in MY truck and driving off. Don’t know where I was going, but I just wanted to disappear. I had everything I needed packed, cash in MY pocket, and all the desire in the world. I stayed because of family.
14. I refrain from drinking to excess because I have seen firsthand what it can do to a person. I am sad when I see it happening to people I care about. And I won’t say anything to you because it’s your damn life you’re ruining. I’ve got MY own problems you probably don’t have time to work on either.
15. I wonder at times if I am, in fact, Truman. I’d like to speak to the producer please. Still one of MY favorite movies, in case you were wondering.
16. Cheese should not just be a food group, it should be a spiritual icon of hope.
17. If I had it to do all over again, I probably wouldn’t. MY littany of stupid decisions and faulty awareness have made ME who I am. I’m fine with that. You should be too.
18. I am not hopelessly addicted to fantasy baseball as some may believe, though I will never cease to enjoy the banter between Billy Christ and Kim Jong Ilstein. To the fray I feel I can now add the one we call, “Shank”.
19. I don’t make friends–REAL friends mind you–often at all. But if you are my friend, well, suck for you right? I mean, really, you want to be MY friend? Haven’t I scared you away yet?
20. I used to believe that writing a memoir would be pointless. But, over the years, as I continue to do stupid things that produce rediculously hard trials, I realize that even I am entertained. God, I’m an idiot. Be prepared to laugh at MY expense. I will leave you countless opportunities.
21. I am not atheist. I am not agnostic. I am also not Mormon, thank you, 8lb 6 oz Baby Jesus. I believe in God, and I believe in spirit. And I believe that I will talk your ear off about it. But I am not religious. I don’t believe in organized “anything”. I believe only an individual knows what is in their heart. Don’t try to tell ME what’s in MINE.
22. I am a reality tv junkie. I totally dig watching people make asses of themselves. I still dream of being on Survivor. I would likely be the first contestant to vote others off Agatha Christie style. DIE STUPID PERSON! DIE!
23. When I was 12, I wanted to be a professional bowler. Kids laughed at me so I wrote horrible stories about them. I decided being a writer was way cooler. And therapuetic. For the record, I did bowl in tournaments when I was 20 or so, averaged about 200, and topped out at a 299 for a high game.
24. As MY publisher can attest, I loathe the rules of grammar. I think they should destroyed as soon as possible. And, I, don’t, get, commas, or…elipses.
25. I want you to succeed more than ME. Even more than that, I want to help you do it. Just don’t let your pride get in the way. You’ll regret it.
Funny thing is, I don’t do these memes often, but I like this one. I’ll probably do it again at some point when I don’t feel it will bore ME to no end. Feel free to opine. I know I do.