A redesign in thought

The Corner Bookstore is stealing my soul.

Nah.  Actually, my cat is.  I know it because I wake up every morning to this face:

Maggie is rather demanding about breakfast.  And dinner.  And snacks.  And your dinner.  And…well, suffice to say, she’s just a rather demanding cat.  Which serves to separate her in no way from most every other cat in existence.  It’s one of the main reasons I’ve been looking into buying an automatic cat feeder, programmable to shut her the hell up so I can sleep.  Somehow, I figure she’ll find a way around that loophole, and I’ll still wake up to a gentle paw to the arm, a flex of claws, and a wet nose.  It’s the order of things.  Maggie is Queen.

Anyway, I’ve decided that I need to recapture my soul, and since my unrelenting cat is not going to offer any help, I’m left to do so through writing.  While I continue on with the additions to Flutter, refining it with a more serviceable ending, I am going to be spending more time on the young adult fantasy series, The Storyteller, that I’m so geeked about, and also transforming this meager blog into something less writing-restrictive.  By that, I mean I have opinions about stuff.  Lots of opinions about lots of stuff, and if that isn’t exciting enough, or entertaining enough to completely captivate you, then I suppose you can go to hell.

Or, you can just hang in there while I offer a simple illustration.

A good friend of mine–we’ll call him Mim Jundy because it cleverly hides his identity–and I devised a rather unique system of reviews for movies some time ago, and though we’ve both threatened on numerous occasions to make it public, we’ve done so with the grace, and efficiency, of a duck trying to fly in a pot of chili.  As with many of our seemingly genius ideas, we talked about it, we laughed about it, and ultimately did nothing while feasting on pizza, and ice cream.

We called it the EVR, which stands for Entertainment Value Ratio, and as of now, it’s in full force on this blog.  What is an EVR, and by what complicated force of mathematics is it arrived at, you ask?  Well, first of all, understand this much: I hate math.  Secondly, for those of you who do not know Mim, or are educating yourself on me, we do not undertake anything to amuse ourselves that will be complicated to the point of no longer being funny.  Thus, an EVR is as simple a rating/review system as you will find.

Think of movies you’ve seen, and think of your initial though upon its conclusion.  Have you ever uttered the words, “Well, that wasn’t worth a bucket of popcorn,” or, “If I paid for that twice, I still wouldn’t have seen half of it?”  Or maybe you asked, “Where the hell has that movie been all of my life,” or, “When will people learn that Kneau Reeves can’t act?”  If you’ve ever uttered anything closely resembling any of these comments, then you’ve branded a movie with an EVR.  Congratulations, and welcome aboard.

I offer my first entry, today, for the movie Julia & Julia, which I watched last night, after stuffing my face with a couple of chili cheese dogs (hey, what? Nathan’s Hot Dogs were buy one get one free.)  So that you fully understand, and appreciate this system of reviews, I’ll let you know that, traditionally, there isn’t a lengthy, wind-drawn, write-up of any movie (or whatever it might be that I am reviewing) that I mention.  There is simply an EVR.  Like this: “Why the hell didn’t I see that in the theater?”

Meryl Streep is God.  Alongside Christopher Walken, somebody needs to put a security detail on her immediately, because if there’s a theater in Heaven, God’s got a casting call waiting for her, and He’s getting impatient.  And I’ll watch anything with Amy Adams, and love it, even if she looks like Kristen Wiig while doing it.  It’s great when a movie compels you to read the book it was based on.  It’s even better when it compels you to read two books the movie was based on.  This one not only accomplished that, but made me want to get back in the kitchen, and then tell you all about whatever mess I’ve made of it.

So, there’s something else to look forward to.

I intend on making this more of a daily thing, seeing as how I don’t only have to bore you with the inanities of the writing life on a semi-regular basis.  If you’ve got anything you’re in desperate need of a review for, let me know.  Otherwise, I hope to leave you with EVR’s on new movies, in order to possibly save you money, or encourage you to spend it, rather than buy food, or something.

Um…

The end?

4 thoughts on “A redesign in thought

  1. I used to have an “automatic cat feeder.” Version 1.0 was me feeding my cat whenever she meowed. Version 2.0 was me hiding the cat food in the cabinet above the refrigerator. Then the cat learned to open the cabinet and spill food all over the top of the refrigerator.

    Hope your cat feeder works better!

    (I thought Meryl Streep was awesome in that movie, too.)

    • I’ve been through Version 1.0, and I’m currently holding my own on Version 2.0, only the cabinet in question is above the stove, and unreachable. Maggie defies this complication by sticking firmly to 1.0, and refusing to relent. So, hopefully, some electronic gizmo will make us both happy (Maggie will be happy because she’s likely to learn to program it while I’m away).

  2. Dig the redesign. And your opinions.
    Can an EVR be offered before the movie? As in, “I don’t give a crap it Prince of Persia does suck cause I’d pay $12 to watch Jake Gyllenhaal read the phone book.”

    • Actually, that is precisely what an EVR is. Generally, it’s best to wait until you’ve seen it, but it’s meant as a stream of consciousness opinion, and that’s exactly what you’ve got there. An appropriate post-viewing EVR, for you, might be something like, “If I could have offered one of my children to have seen Jake’s ass, I would have done it on the spot.”

      Ahem.

      Not that I would agree with that, but, you know, just sayin’…

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