Awaiting the Second Coming

I finally jumped on the Netflix train again.  It’s been a few years, actually, since I last eagerly awaited the next drop from my queue, and I’ve been rebuilding my list with all of the movies I’ve wanted to see over the past couple of years, but couldn’t get to, couldn’t talk someone into going to see, or that I entirely missed because my head was buried in a quagmire of fantasy baseball.

The great thing about the process, the absolutely most wonderful piece of the Netflix pie, is that you invariably find movies you’ve never heard of, or that the filmmakers were too embarrassed to actually let you–or anyone else for that matter–know about.  These are the movies that bring me the most excitement, the greatest anticipation, because who, in their right mind, would pay actual money for a ticket to see this?

That’s right.  Jesus Christ has returned to earth to slay vampires.  What?   Where was this in the Bible?  I mean, holy hell, I’d so go to Church if this is buried in the Gospels somewhere.  Maybe I shouldn’t say, “Holy hell,” while professing a possible desire to be at church.  Hm.  Anyway, I almost feel like I’ve been robbed of a story idea here.  Vampires are the new Paris Hilton.  Wait, did I say that right?  Paris Hilton from the sex video, or Paris Hilton from that ridiculously amusing BFF show?  Is her dog the head vampire, or would that be her father?  Surely, she’s not a talented enough actress to play such a dolt while secretly converting the world to vampires.  Zombies, sure.  She’s already doing that, but I just don’t see her as the head vampire type.  If she were a character from Twilight, would she be Bella, or would she be Victoria, or would she be the fly that I splattered when I dropped the dead weight of Breaking Dawn on it?

But I digress.

I have no idea what this movie is about.  If I were to pre-EVR it, I should have to censor most of the review for sensitive ears.  Not that I’m going to.  I just should.  I could honestly think of nothing more fun that crashing a church service, and shouting, “Jesus Fucking Christ killed goddamn Vampires?  Why have you people been hiding this for so long?”

Just digest that for a moment.

So, this movie–if I dare blaspheme the slaying power of God’s “according to the Bible” son–is going to arrive soon, and I can’t remember the last non-Harry Potter movie that I was this excited to see.  It’s going to suck.  It’s going to suck so good that I may choke on my popcorn, or spill wine on Maggie (who will likely protest while licking herself into a drunk stupor), or maybe lose all sense of myself, and declare it to be the best movie ever made.

Who knows but Jesus?

And the vampires, probably.

But not Paris Hilton.  She doesn’t know most things.

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