A Genesis of Lolcat Proportions

I was reminded this morning of one of the best movies that no one has seen.  Well, ok, not exactly, “no one,” but definitely a smaller set of people than the movie deserves.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, movies sneak under the radar, and are on DVD before you ever get around to noting it exists.  It’s likely to be in the $5 bin before you ever see the cover (which is not a horrible thing, mind you–for you, anyway), or maybe TBS/TNT is handling it like a child on a sugar high, showing it to you every five minutes for three straight days.

For whatever reason, the movie Suicide Kings, just never got noticed.  How could it possibly have gotten by?  Christopher Walken, Denis Leary, Henry Thomas (Phone home!), Jay Mohr, Jeremy Sisto, Brad Garrett, and Johnny Galecki (from Roseanne, and is phenomenal as the hyper-nervous toss-in).

EVR=”I’ve never wanted a busket so badly.”

Not only is this movie well written, expertly crafted, and obviously directed with a hands-off approach that allows the superb talent to do its job, but it also includes one of my favorite movie lines ever, from the irreplaceable Denis Leary.  Out of context, and without Leary’s patented delivery, and expression, it’s a bit lost on most, so I offer the video instead:

Additionally, Christopher Walken is in his element, and doesn’t need to carry the cast along, and yet manages to do just that in one of his better roles.

Go spend $5, and buy it.  Watch it.  Then, if you missed it, find Big Trouble.  These movies need love.

Oddly, my post today was not going to be at all about Suicide Kings.  I’ve actually been looking for a home for some Lolcats, and decided today was as good as any.  If you’re not familiar with the website, or the books, then you’ve obviously been without internet for the past few years, living in a cave, hiding from American forces, and hoping the world thinks you’re dead, so that you won’t suddenly be so.  It’s a tremendously hilarious site, and has spawned several others in its wake, and keeps hard working people around the world occupied for hours while they’re supposed to be working.

On top of it all, this site has spawned an entire language of speak that makes text speak look like it was invented by juvenile prunes, who have no comprehension of the Engrish language, and wouldn’t know a contraction if it comma-spliced their soul…oh, wait, that’s real, isn’t it?


Well, anyway, the Lolcat gang has simply made my world with their latest project.  The Lolcat Bible has arrived.

I’m sure, by now, you’ve heard of the Bible, or at the very least, have had a few solicitous stays at a hotel, and saw it in the drawer where you might keep your condoms (at home, anyway…still packaged I hope).  Well, the Lolcat crew have outdone themselves this time, translating the Bible into the aforementioned created language of Lolspeak.  Want a sample? Here’s the Genesis of Ceiling Cat, and the creation of all that you know (and maybe love, unless you’ve stayed at too many hotels, or save used condoms or whatnot):

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh…fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

After you go buy Suicide Kings, go to your local independent bookstore (it may take a few more minutes, or cost you a couple of extra bucks, but for the love of Ceiling Cat, support them!), and spend the $13 to own this book.  You can also buy a copy (or have one ordered!) of another awesome book called Anointed: The Passion of Timmy Christ, CEO, whose author would greatly appreciate your support.

The End.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s