In absentia

I’ve been away.  Maybe you’ve noticed.  Maybe you haven’t.  Maybe you cared.  Maybe you didn’t.  Maybe I know that I should have written something on here since MY last blog, but then again, maybe I don’t.  Maybe I haven’t had anything to say.

Maybe I should stop this maybe train of retardation and write something worth reading.

Ok.  Right.

I’ll be in NYC for events on June 22nd and 23rd.  I’ll post the event details here and on MY Anointed Facebook Fan Page in the next day or so.  I’d be more specific, but I’m a bit smidgy right now, and I’m not even sure what that means.  Once I figure that out, then I can move on to the details of MY events.  I know they are both at the Tank, in the Theater District, off 45th street, and that they are pretty cool pairings.  I also know that I’m geeked about getting back to New York, and that I’ll be there on MY birthday, which may not really enhance the moment, but is still cool all the same.

I’ve been working steadily on both the follow up to Anointed (working title of Angelic Malcontents), and also the first book in a young adult fantasy series, the title of which is The Storyteller, though I’ve yet to subtitle it.  There will be 5 books in that series, each with The Storyteller title, followed by a book-specific subtitle.  I’m very happy with the progress on it (I scrapped 50ish pages and have rewritten almost all of them, now), and I look forward to blitzing through to the end, and then finding a home for it.  Which I will.  I think it’s an appealing story, to be honest.  At some point, I’ll post some more info on it, but well…truly, right now I’m blitzed.  Or smidgy.  One of them.  I’m something that isn’t totally coherent.  I’ve been helping MY good friend, Jim Mundy, this week at a chess camp he puts on each year.  20+ kids, 5 days, 6-7 hours a day.  Exhausting, and I didn’t even do the bulk of the work.  Been hard, squeezing in writing on a tenth of the brain power.

Oh, and if you happen to be interested in the timeline of Anointed, we reach an important date on Tuesday, June 9th.  That would be the day, within the world of the book, in which Billy Christ anoints Timothy Webb as his successor.  Despite the fact that it hasn’t developed the way I had hoped, or planned, I will still be following through with the Twitter switch over.  Billy will announce his retirement on Monday, spend the day reflecting on that, and then Timmy Christ will come in a few days later.  He’ll assume control of Billy’s twitter account, and I’ll be working to gain him a true following.  I plan on using his account more than I did for Billy–though in fairness to Billy, he has never truly embraced the technology at his disposal–and also hopping back on the TCC website and revisiting the blog, with Timmy in control.  Then we’ll all go for a six-week ride, as Timothy’s story unfolds.  I think, of all the things I have looked forward to with this project, these next six weeks may be at the top of the list.  Now, more than ever, the time to ruffle feathers has come.  I shall let (Timmy) Christ lead the way.

So, make sure to check in.  I’ll be tying all the sites and tools together in order to innundate everyone with what I’m doing.

But now I’m a bit smidgy and blitzed.  I shall sleep.

Here’s a video to entertain you, and make sure that this visit wasn’t entirely in vain.  Go.  Watch it.  Enjoy.  You’ll love it.

A Conversation with Christ

Quite a treat today.  What I bring to you today is a conversation with the one and only, Billy Christ, CEO of The Christ Corporation!  The fact that I had the opportunity to sit down with this religious icon, this man who has overseen quite a tribulent time in Christianity over the past 33 years was humbling to the say the least.  I may not agree with His position on much of anything, but it’s a rarity that He speaks so candidly with an average blogger/writer like ME.  Usually, He reserves that for the media folk.  But I managed to find Him on a day that He was rather contemplative, as He nears the end of His term, and He was more than willing to accomodate MY request.

But first, I offer you today’s links:

  • It would appear that Oprah’s boarding school is turning into a sex academy.  I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’m sending in my application and resume immediately.
  • Ugh.  I’m doing this one for Alice, because I could barely even get through the article.  The New Kids/Adults on the Block are starting their tour over, right here in Atlanta on May 28th.  Didn’t anyone tell them that their newest album actually sucked?
  • WWCD?  Really, what would the world do without Stephen Colbert?  Hey, as long as I still get the moon, he can have the space station.
  • “Now, you see what daddy just did there?  I told the man to get the money out of the drawer.  But as you can see, honey, I’m still pointing this gun here at him, so he’ll do it, and he’ll do it without trouble.”  Ah, what fathers will do for their daughters.
  • In October, a new Robert Crumb book comes out, and I will wait in line to get one. 
  • There’s nothing like a good, heartwarming resurrection story to stir the soul as we glide toward Easter.
  • From the Onion.  I added this one because I’ve always had a problem with people who botch great movie lines.  Inconceivable!
  • And this one is entirely for ME.  I enjoyed the TNG reunion on Family Guy, but I’m a geek and I’m stoked to see what J.J Abrahms can do for the franchise.  Yup.  For realz.  I’m AM that dork.

It’s rained a lot in Atlanta lately.  Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you, but it’s puddled things up pretty fair everywhere, and the water is absolutely coated in a vile layer of pollen.  I was a bit conscious of this as I approached the home of The Christ Corporation.  The opportunity to sit with Christ was monumental, and the last thing I wanted to do was track mud into His pristine home.  I mean, it’s a monolith of glass in this expansive park-like garden, and there’s limited sidewalk space, most of which was, as mention, pooled in yellow-gooped mini-lakes.  I was fortunate, however, in that the lobby was ginormous, and had ample mats with which to wipe my feet clear.  After five minutes of obsessive wiping, I trudged on.  Despite the energy of the place, and the numerous televisions blaring evangelical sermonizing (the tag read something about GFC Atlanta), it was surprisingly quiet.  I waited for a while until a mousy looking guy in glasses that reminded ME of a Martin Short/Smithers clone emerged from an elevator and shook my hand.  His name was Arvid, or Armin, or something like that.  I was a bit overwhelmed and slightly nervous, so forgive MY inability to remember.  Either way, he prattled on about Christ so completely, that I began to look around the elevator for cameras.  Surely, Christ was watching our arrival.  Nobody could be so enamored with another without knowing that said individual was watching.  And to be honest, I was reviewing the questions for Christ in MY head, so about all I caught was something to the effect of, “He will be remembered by us all.  More from some, than from others.”  I only remember that because this Arvy guy had this supreme look of sugary-donut delight on his face, kind of the same I’ve seen about town in the Ansley area, if you follow.  I decided at that point that I would not step out of the elevator first, unless my notebook had ME well covered.

We arrived on the twelfth floor, passed a rather grumpy, but quite pretty, secretary named Mary, wandered down a hallway that was lined with pictures (God, they were cheesy kind of Buddy Christ images, for those who have seen Dogma) of the previous men who have sat in the Divine chair of the CEO.  We reached a door with a plackard that read, “Billy Christ, CEO” and simply walked in.  I was somewhat aghast.  I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought a baptism, or something of that magnitude, was in order.  Would it be that easy to get into Heaven?  Just a door marked “Heaven” and you walk right in?  No dousing, no prattling on about MY sins, and sitting in judgement and stuff? 

However brazen our entrance, we were there, and nothing could have prepared ME  for the sight.  I don’t know if it was the view of downtown Atlanta through the monstrously large glass-paned face of the office, or the rediculously large conference table, or the furniture strewn about so heavily that I thought I had walked into a high-class fringe-society version of IKEA, or if it was just the mere presence of Billy Christ, standing before his desk with a grin like I’ve never seen.  I mean, I instantly knew that this man was never unhappy.  His smile wore a permanance that immediately warmed ME, and he was dressed (I am admittedly no great judge of fashion for the record) in a suit that easily out-paced MY monthly salary.  He propelled his hand into MINE, greeted ME, and said the word “outstanding” in every sentence, as if it were punctuation to be praised.  Arm…whatever his name was excused himself with a patient bow, and Christ invited ME to sit.  I remember thinking, as I looked at His desk, and its various accutrements, laptop, His coffee mug, and even the chalice of wine that sat atop his desk, that up to that point, I had no idea what “refined” meant.  In case you were wondering, it means, “likely to net you a nice take if you sell it on ebay.”  Just so you know.

It was at that time, as I gazed hopelessly around the office, taking in all the ornate Goodness that it held, that I found Christ staring at ME.  Now I don’t profess to be religious–not in an organized way anyhow–but I felt Him look through ME.  He has a deep, penetrating, other-wordly stare.  In a way, it was much as though He had simply vacated Mind for a moment, and had taken to wandering the Universe, or perhaps just the Office, in search of Grace.  Or something grace-like.  Anyway, He snapped to and said, “So…”

I jumped in my seat trying to get my notebook out.  And then I began:

“You’re coming to the end of Your term as Christ.  When do you expect that You will announce Your retirement and, upon reflection, how do You view Your tenure as Christ?”

Christ pondered it briefly, that smile ever-persistent.  “I’m told that I’ll know when to make My announcement.  God will show the way.  I can’t be certain, but it may be that I won’t know until I know that I’ve been given the knowledge.  It’s a tried and true method, I am told.  And as to My tenure, well, that’s a rather involved question with a lengthy answer.  I would be remiss to say that I have not enjoyed My time, or that I have not accomplished many things that will forever leave a mark.  However, I am a man of great humility, and I leave the boasting to those who follow me.  Or perhaps the Council.  They like to express their thoughts about Me often.” 

He laughed then, and…hm…how do I describe this?  I don’t know, really, but I swear to you, the sound came from under the desk, as if there were some sort of time-delay, or perhaps even that it arrived ahead of His motion.  Regardless, it was the first of many laughs that had ME quite unsettled by the end of our conversation.

“What would You site as Your greatest acheivement?”

“Greatest?  What a word!  Outstanding!  Some would say the affiliation with, and branding of the GFC’s–God’s Favorite Church, that is–of which there are now fifty-five at last count, is My greatest, as you say, acheivement.  Others have pointed to the weekly Offering, which takes place here at The Christ Corporation, and has given millions an outlet to seek My blessing over the years.  But I’m partial to the contract I negotiated with a certain vineyard in California–which must remain nameless for propriety, you understand–that has reinvigorated the somewhat stale version of Communion Wine that was previously served here, and in our GFC Atlanta affiliate.”

“Wine?”  I was somewhat taken aback, but cautious.  “You believe an upgrade of Communion Wine to be your greatest acheivement?”

“Oh, most certainly!”  He pinged the chalice with a flick of a finger.  “It is California’s finest, after all!’

I collected MYSELF, flipped through a few pages of MY notebook as if searching for something, then found some reserve and moved on.  “It’s a turbulent time, economically.  Unemployment is skyrocketing, the markets are soft, and families are struggling to keep their homes, their cars, and their children’s future from being absorbed by a lack of, or decrease in, income.  What would you say to them, given the reported jump in revenue, stocks, and overall financial security of The Christ Corporation?”

Billy Christ heaved a little sigh, then His smile returned.  “I would tell them that it validates the need for Christ.  For Me.  For the Offering.  If times are tough, where else should you turn?  Government?  The lottery?  Ha!  This is what the Offering is for.  If you wish to put money on the hopes of a wish and a dream, why not invest it in your soul?  Sure, these are difficult times, but now is the time to turn to Christ, to Me, for help.  Now is the time to invest in real hope, the promise of a better tomorrow, in the hands of a loving God.”

For a moment, I pondered that, but my need for a follow up was enveloped in His smile.  It was quite remarkable.  Really.  I moved on.  “You have a Twitter account, and a blog.  Do you find using these modern tools of social networking has brought you closer to the people?”

“Oh, yes, well, I find them useful, yes.  To be quite honest, I’m still a bit leery of them.  Don’t get me wrong, I find them to be a wonderful outlet to keep My followers in touch with my activities, but My time is so limited that blogging is very difficult.  Twittering is–”

“Tweeting,” I said politely.  One does not recklessly attempt to correct Christ.

“Yes, yes, that too.  They are both very easy and brief, therefore more accessible to My schedule.  I like the Twitter, very much in fact, but I tend to forget it somewhere through the day.  And, I’m quite disappointed that I have so few followers there.  I cannot hope to compete with that Shaq individual, and he doesn’t respond to My Tweeterings, which I admit, is somewhat frustrating.  I like to do it, but I believe I look forward to my retirement, when I need not bother with such things, a great deal more.”

“I know your time is short today, so I’ll just ask one more.”  He nodded, and eyed the Communion Wine with a very satisfied grin.  “You mentioned your retirement.  What will you do, and will you miss being Christ?”

He thought about this for a long while, and for a few seconds, I was beginning to feel like He was not willing to answer.  Then He locked on ME, and His broad smile returned.  “Forty-two,” he said.

“What?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“Forty-two,” he repeated.  “It’s a reference to–”

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, yes I know.  The Ultimate question to Life, the Universe, and Everything.”

“It is?”

“Yes.  What?”

He furrowed His brow.  “Oh, very well then.  I had often wondered what it meant.”

“You didn’t know?”  Christ shook His head.  “Well, then…”

Christ stared at ME, encourged ME with a simple nod.  “Yes?”

“Your retirement?”

“Yes, I will be.  Very soon, in fact.  Too soon.”

“Uh,” I waited, hoping the conversation would get back on track of its own accord, but it did not.  Christ smiled, and drew the chalice closer.  He seemed rather anxious to partake of the wine, and it almost seemed to ME that it was far too sanctimonious an act for an average ME-kind-of-person to witness.  Therefore, I called the conversation to a close.  “Yes, so I’ve heard.” 

We said our farewells, and Armind returned to escort me back to the lobby.  I left somewhat bewilidered, but gratified all the same, to have had an opportunity that no other person in MY place had ever had before.  Hopefully, as a new Christ is Anointed, and the transition is underway, I can parlay this opportunity into another.  If not, well, I’m itching to talk to the Disciples.  I hear they’re always willing to talk.  Here’s hoping.

For more information, and further details of the tenure of Billy Christ, visit this site.

Letting Facebook Do the Work For ME

Quote of the day is from a CNN article about the growing concerns of the growth of Twitter: “I keep getting the fail whale.  Twitter got too popular too quickly.  I blame Shaq.”

The Fail Whale

The Fail Whale

A few bits today before moving on:

  • Terribly sad, sad news from Miley Cyrus.  I just don’t know if I’ll be able to go on. 
  • If you smoke, you should quit.  If you don’t care that I care, then at least think of your wallet.
  • I’m very disappointed that math was never quite like this.
  • What? Twilight isn’t real?  GTF out of here already!  I want vampires dammit!
  • The Pope has decided, for some reason, to offer his Holy insights on condoms.  Really?  Condoms don’t prevent disease, they make it easier to transmit them?  Is this a South Park episode?
  • A Republican hottie?  No way!  Thank you Mehan McCain!  There is hope for the future, and it has washboard abs!

Ok, enough for now.  I like links by the way.  You get many more.  Just not today.  Let’s talk about ME again.

In the ongoing effort to initiate you all into the finer nuances of ME, I have decided that further information is required into who, exactly, I am.  You should be thrilled now.  I’ll wait a sec for the effect to take root.  (Insert Jeopardy tune here)  There now?  Excellent.  Given that it would take some time to get together a list of oddities regarding ME, I decided to let Facebook do it on MY behalf.  So, from the meme of “25 Things About ME”, I offer you this look into MY life thus far.  Where necessary (by “necessary”, I mean to say, “Where I so chose to do as I wished”) I have made alterations or additions to the original.

1. If I could sit at a computer all day and simply communicate by the written word, I would do so, which would ensure that you all continue to find ME “funny and uplifting”. Or something like that. Talking…er…not always so much.

2. I have a dog, Curbie (or Poohsie Poo, as Alice calls him), 2 cats (Maggie the Hungry Bitch and Ray the Mildly Retarded), a rat (named One), and two bunnies (Nyven the Sweet and Cadbury “TARROC” the Bunny).  I am fond of them all, but find that having a 65 lb dog sleep on MY legs at night makes it difficult to move.  I deal with it.

3. Until very recently, I had no idea that women (generally speaking) actually found ME attractive.  I’m still not sold on this idea.  I avoid mirrors as if I were a vampire.  Which I might yet be.

4. I’m much better at being Timmy Christ than Billy Christ. Could be a function of self or of desire.  But Billy’s way more funnerer.

5. When I was, like, 8, I stole money from MY mom’s purse at home to go buy a big Chewbacca figure. No joke. Very sad. Unfortunately, MY mom happened to be in the store at that time and walked up behind ME while I was in line to pay for it. Um…not good.  Hearing, “So, whatcha got there son?” still haunts ME to this day.

6. I don’t believe that I am that good of a person. I don’t know why I feel that way. Maybe because I live in my head and know what’s there. You’d probably feel the same.

7. I don’t enjoy being poor. I refuse to be that way much longer.

8. I smoked for a week when I was 12. I got tired of rushing home to brush MY teeth before mom got home and quit. Way too much work.  I’m not that motivated.

9. After failing to cut the lawn (as ordered) at 15, I told my dad–from the lay sanctity of the sofa–“Do you ever notice how work gets in the way of having fun?” Genius.  I decided that day to be a writer.  Nothing could help ME realize MY dream more.

10. I went to a Debbie Gibson concert. Yes, I know. Just know that I am still not embarrassed by those 4th row seats.  And then I balanced that out later that year by going to see Motley Crue. Oddly, the canceling out effect did not take place. I somehow still remember the DG concert, depite MY best efforts. Total Recall? Memory wash?

11. Do not read MY work in my presence. I will hover. I’m terrified you won’t like it.  Additionally, do not read over MY shoulder while I type.  I don’t like the stalker feeling you leave ME with.

12. I miss MY cat Rocky. He was the best. I blame she-must-not-be-named to this day.

13. I came very close, in ’94 or so, to just getting in MY truck and driving off. Don’t know where I was going, but I just wanted to disappear. I had everything I needed packed, cash in MY pocket, and all the desire in the world. I stayed because of family.

14. I refrain from drinking to excess because I have seen firsthand what it can do to a person. I am sad when I see it happening to people I care about. And I won’t say anything to you because it’s your damn life you’re ruining.  I’ve got MY own problems you probably don’t have time to work on either.

15. I wonder at times if I am, in fact, Truman. I’d like to speak to the producer please.  Still one of MY favorite movies, in case you were wondering.

16. Cheese should not just be a food group, it should be a spiritual icon of hope.

17. If I had it to do all over again, I probably wouldn’t. MY littany of stupid decisions and faulty awareness have made ME who I am. I’m fine with that.  You should be too.

18. I am not hopelessly addicted to fantasy baseball as some may believe, though I will never cease to enjoy the banter between Billy Christ and Kim Jong Ilstein.  To the fray I feel I can now add the one we call, “Shank”.

19. I don’t make friends–REAL friends mind you–often at all. But if you are my friend, well, suck for you right? I mean, really, you want to be MY friend? Haven’t I scared you away yet?

20. I used to believe that writing a memoir would be pointless. But, over the years, as I continue to do stupid things that produce rediculously hard trials, I realize that even I am entertained. God, I’m an idiot.  Be prepared to laugh at MY expense.  I will leave you countless opportunities.

21. I am not atheist. I am not agnostic.  I am also not Mormon, thank you, 8lb 6 oz Baby Jesus.  I believe in God, and I believe in spirit.  And I believe that I will talk your ear off about it.  But I am not religious.  I don’t believe in organized “anything”.  I believe only an individual knows what is in their heart.  Don’t try to tell ME what’s in MINE.

22. I am a reality tv junkie. I totally dig watching people make asses of themselves.  I still dream of being on Survivor.  I would likely be the first contestant to vote others off Agatha Christie style.  DIE STUPID PERSON!  DIE!

23. When I was 12, I wanted to be a professional bowler. Kids laughed at me so I wrote horrible stories about them. I decided being a writer was way cooler. And therapuetic.  For the record, I did bowl in tournaments when I was 20 or so, averaged about 200, and topped out at a 299 for a high game.

24. As MY publisher can attest, I loathe the rules of grammar. I think they should destroyed as soon as possible. And, I, don’t, get, commas, or…elipses. 

25. I want you to succeed more than ME. Even more than that, I want to help you do it.  Just don’t let your pride get in the way.  You’ll regret it.

Funny thing is, I don’t do these memes often, but I like this one.  I’ll probably do it again at some point when I don’t feel it will bore ME to no end.  Feel free to opine.  I know I do.

Writing Devil Fiction Makes God Happy

And so it begins…

It’s been some time since I remember stating that I should start a blog.  They’re useful things, after all.  Especially when one feels they have something of relevance to say, or promote.  In my case, I have ME.  And, as such, I will promote ME (Caps are necessary in order to inflate my ego) as necessary, and hope that you (sorry, no caps for you…this is show is about ME) get some facet of enjoyment out of it.  So, let’s just start with an introduction of sorts.  Things you must know about ME in order to fully appreciate anything that I may decide is worth writing about:

  1. I am the author of Anointed: The Passion of Timmy Christ, CEO, which debuted on March 3rd of this year.
  2. I am, according to the Tacoma Public Library system, a purveyor of Devil Fiction.  Scroll to the bottom and you’ll see what I mean.
  3. I have been writing this past year as Billy Christ, the outgoing CEO of The Christ Corporation, and an overall buffoon.  He has a Twitter account, and a blog (in which he has yet  to fully figure out how to use).  In a very short time, Timmy Christ will be anointed and will take over.  I expect he (or would it be He?) will have much to say.
  4. I am not an atheist, an agnostic, or a member of any organized religion.  I believe that if you can breathe, you have the capacity to decide for yourself what to believe.
  5. I am addicted to Facebook.  I am almost always on, doing something.  Very sad.  Fun, but sad.  I loathe Myspace, but I do have an account.  I check it like it’s a sick grandparent I don’t want to watch die.  Oh, The Christ Corporation has a Myspace page as well.
  6. I am an avid Fantasy League Baseball player and I will bore, or entertain, you with the ongoings of one particular league I am in.  The chatter between a few of us can be glorious and hilarious at once, as we all play in character.  Billy has the reigns on this one as well, for now.
  7. I owned and operated Wordsmiths Books, in Decatur, Georgia, from December 2006 through March 2009.  Alas, it is no more.  Its memory is a source of penultimate joy and sadness.
  8. This is what I wake up to every morning:

Not that face in particular, but one that is not too unsimilar.  In fairness though, this is what she sees when she wakes up:

 Blah.

In order to avoid making this entire post a list-oriented detailing of ME, I’ll bypass further numbering and save that instead for a Facebook meme that more accurately described ME in an entertaining, yet less than literary, way.  Oh, a further note of use.  I am no friend of Grammar.  I will slam the door in its face if it attempts to visit.  I have a restraining order against grammar and insist that it speak only to those who edit my words.  Grammar can go to Hell.  Elipses…are…my…friend, and, I, don’t, use, commas, correctly, if I use them at all.  Do not attempt to point out flaws in my grammar, or lack thereof.  I will get a restraining order against you as well (“And if you don’t believe me, I’ll put a jihad on you, too.”).

What I hope to utilize this blog for, aside from having an outlet that is purely ME-centric, and without the weight of Christ guiding my words, is to promote and encourage discussion of whatever inane subjects I wish to talk about.  I’ll drop some bits from Anointed, write unpublished additions from time to time, bore/entertain you with the Fantasy League Baseball (forever to be FLB henceforth) exploits of the Chrysler Salvation, tap into the myriad selection of religious news of the day (looking for conversation here folks, otherwise I’ll just look at myself in a mirror and watch MYSELF talk), and lastly (or perhaps just thisly, as there is likely to be more) give a once in a while look at how not to run and operate a bookstore.  Or perhaps any business at all.  Learn from me here.  I know I’m trying to.  Regardless, there will be a very ME-present atmosphere to everything, as I wish to promote ME and only ME (and on occasion you, if it benefits ME).  Though cheese is pretty important to0.

So as to keep this intro brief, I leave by way of offering you a glimpse of sheer stupidity.  This, from another my favorite sites, Fail blog:

Be glad you aren’t that oblivious.