A Genesis of Lolcat Proportions

I was reminded this morning of one of the best movies that no one has seen.  Well, ok, not exactly, “no one,” but definitely a smaller set of people than the movie deserves.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, movies sneak under the radar, and are on DVD before you ever get around to noting it exists.  It’s likely to be in the $5 bin before you ever see the cover (which is not a horrible thing, mind you–for you, anyway), or maybe TBS/TNT is handling it like a child on a sugar high, showing it to you every five minutes for three straight days.

For whatever reason, the movie Suicide Kings, just never got noticed.  How could it possibly have gotten by?  Christopher Walken, Denis Leary, Henry Thomas (Phone home!), Jay Mohr, Jeremy Sisto, Brad Garrett, and Johnny Galecki (from Roseanne, and is phenomenal as the hyper-nervous toss-in).

EVR=”I’ve never wanted a busket so badly.”

Not only is this movie well written, expertly crafted, and obviously directed with a hands-off approach that allows the superb talent to do its job, but it also includes one of my favorite movie lines ever, from the irreplaceable Denis Leary.  Out of context, and without Leary’s patented delivery, and expression, it’s a bit lost on most, so I offer the video instead:

Additionally, Christopher Walken is in his element, and doesn’t need to carry the cast along, and yet manages to do just that in one of his better roles.

Go spend $5, and buy it.  Watch it.  Then, if you missed it, find Big Trouble.  These movies need love.

Oddly, my post today was not going to be at all about Suicide Kings.  I’ve actually been looking for a home for some Lolcats, and decided today was as good as any.  If you’re not familiar with the website, or the books, then you’ve obviously been without internet for the past few years, living in a cave, hiding from American forces, and hoping the world thinks you’re dead, so that you won’t suddenly be so.  It’s a tremendously hilarious site, and has spawned several others in its wake, and keeps hard working people around the world occupied for hours while they’re supposed to be working.

On top of it all, this site has spawned an entire language of speak that makes text speak look like it was invented by juvenile prunes, who have no comprehension of the Engrish language, and wouldn’t know a contraction if it comma-spliced their soul…oh, wait, that’s real, isn’t it?


Well, anyway, the Lolcat gang has simply made my world with their latest project.  The Lolcat Bible has arrived.

I’m sure, by now, you’ve heard of the Bible, or at the very least, have had a few solicitous stays at a hotel, and saw it in the drawer where you might keep your condoms (at home, anyway…still packaged I hope).  Well, the Lolcat crew have outdone themselves this time, translating the Bible into the aforementioned created language of Lolspeak.  Want a sample? Here’s the Genesis of Ceiling Cat, and the creation of all that you know (and maybe love, unless you’ve stayed at too many hotels, or save used condoms or whatnot):

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh…fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

After you go buy Suicide Kings, go to your local independent bookstore (it may take a few more minutes, or cost you a couple of extra bucks, but for the love of Ceiling Cat, support them!), and spend the $13 to own this book.  You can also buy a copy (or have one ordered!) of another awesome book called Anointed: The Passion of Timmy Christ, CEO, whose author would greatly appreciate your support.

The End.

Awaiting the Second Coming

I finally jumped on the Netflix train again.  It’s been a few years, actually, since I last eagerly awaited the next drop from my queue, and I’ve been rebuilding my list with all of the movies I’ve wanted to see over the past couple of years, but couldn’t get to, couldn’t talk someone into going to see, or that I entirely missed because my head was buried in a quagmire of fantasy baseball.

The great thing about the process, the absolutely most wonderful piece of the Netflix pie, is that you invariably find movies you’ve never heard of, or that the filmmakers were too embarrassed to actually let you–or anyone else for that matter–know about.  These are the movies that bring me the most excitement, the greatest anticipation, because who, in their right mind, would pay actual money for a ticket to see this?

That’s right.  Jesus Christ has returned to earth to slay vampires.  What?   Where was this in the Bible?  I mean, holy hell, I’d so go to Church if this is buried in the Gospels somewhere.  Maybe I shouldn’t say, “Holy hell,” while professing a possible desire to be at church.  Hm.  Anyway, I almost feel like I’ve been robbed of a story idea here.  Vampires are the new Paris Hilton.  Wait, did I say that right?  Paris Hilton from the sex video, or Paris Hilton from that ridiculously amusing BFF show?  Is her dog the head vampire, or would that be her father?  Surely, she’s not a talented enough actress to play such a dolt while secretly converting the world to vampires.  Zombies, sure.  She’s already doing that, but I just don’t see her as the head vampire type.  If she were a character from Twilight, would she be Bella, or would she be Victoria, or would she be the fly that I splattered when I dropped the dead weight of Breaking Dawn on it?

But I digress.

I have no idea what this movie is about.  If I were to pre-EVR it, I should have to censor most of the review for sensitive ears.  Not that I’m going to.  I just should.  I could honestly think of nothing more fun that crashing a church service, and shouting, “Jesus Fucking Christ killed goddamn Vampires?  Why have you people been hiding this for so long?”

Just digest that for a moment.

So, this movie–if I dare blaspheme the slaying power of God’s “according to the Bible” son–is going to arrive soon, and I can’t remember the last non-Harry Potter movie that I was this excited to see.  It’s going to suck.  It’s going to suck so good that I may choke on my popcorn, or spill wine on Maggie (who will likely protest while licking herself into a drunk stupor), or maybe lose all sense of myself, and declare it to be the best movie ever made.

Who knows but Jesus?

And the vampires, probably.

But not Paris Hilton.  She doesn’t know most things.

A redesign in thought

The Corner Bookstore is stealing my soul.

Nah.  Actually, my cat is.  I know it because I wake up every morning to this face:

Maggie is rather demanding about breakfast.  And dinner.  And snacks.  And your dinner.  And…well, suffice to say, she’s just a rather demanding cat.  Which serves to separate her in no way from most every other cat in existence.  It’s one of the main reasons I’ve been looking into buying an automatic cat feeder, programmable to shut her the hell up so I can sleep.  Somehow, I figure she’ll find a way around that loophole, and I’ll still wake up to a gentle paw to the arm, a flex of claws, and a wet nose.  It’s the order of things.  Maggie is Queen.

Anyway, I’ve decided that I need to recapture my soul, and since my unrelenting cat is not going to offer any help, I’m left to do so through writing.  While I continue on with the additions to Flutter, refining it with a more serviceable ending, I am going to be spending more time on the young adult fantasy series, The Storyteller, that I’m so geeked about, and also transforming this meager blog into something less writing-restrictive.  By that, I mean I have opinions about stuff.  Lots of opinions about lots of stuff, and if that isn’t exciting enough, or entertaining enough to completely captivate you, then I suppose you can go to hell.

Or, you can just hang in there while I offer a simple illustration.

A good friend of mine–we’ll call him Mim Jundy because it cleverly hides his identity–and I devised a rather unique system of reviews for movies some time ago, and though we’ve both threatened on numerous occasions to make it public, we’ve done so with the grace, and efficiency, of a duck trying to fly in a pot of chili.  As with many of our seemingly genius ideas, we talked about it, we laughed about it, and ultimately did nothing while feasting on pizza, and ice cream.

We called it the EVR, which stands for Entertainment Value Ratio, and as of now, it’s in full force on this blog.  What is an EVR, and by what complicated force of mathematics is it arrived at, you ask?  Well, first of all, understand this much: I hate math.  Secondly, for those of you who do not know Mim, or are educating yourself on me, we do not undertake anything to amuse ourselves that will be complicated to the point of no longer being funny.  Thus, an EVR is as simple a rating/review system as you will find.

Think of movies you’ve seen, and think of your initial though upon its conclusion.  Have you ever uttered the words, “Well, that wasn’t worth a bucket of popcorn,” or, “If I paid for that twice, I still wouldn’t have seen half of it?”  Or maybe you asked, “Where the hell has that movie been all of my life,” or, “When will people learn that Kneau Reeves can’t act?”  If you’ve ever uttered anything closely resembling any of these comments, then you’ve branded a movie with an EVR.  Congratulations, and welcome aboard.

I offer my first entry, today, for the movie Julia & Julia, which I watched last night, after stuffing my face with a couple of chili cheese dogs (hey, what? Nathan’s Hot Dogs were buy one get one free.)  So that you fully understand, and appreciate this system of reviews, I’ll let you know that, traditionally, there isn’t a lengthy, wind-drawn, write-up of any movie (or whatever it might be that I am reviewing) that I mention.  There is simply an EVR.  Like this: “Why the hell didn’t I see that in the theater?”

Meryl Streep is God.  Alongside Christopher Walken, somebody needs to put a security detail on her immediately, because if there’s a theater in Heaven, God’s got a casting call waiting for her, and He’s getting impatient.  And I’ll watch anything with Amy Adams, and love it, even if she looks like Kristen Wiig while doing it.  It’s great when a movie compels you to read the book it was based on.  It’s even better when it compels you to read two books the movie was based on.  This one not only accomplished that, but made me want to get back in the kitchen, and then tell you all about whatever mess I’ve made of it.

So, there’s something else to look forward to.

I intend on making this more of a daily thing, seeing as how I don’t only have to bore you with the inanities of the writing life on a semi-regular basis.  If you’ve got anything you’re in desperate need of a review for, let me know.  Otherwise, I hope to leave you with EVR’s on new movies, in order to possibly save you money, or encourage you to spend it, rather than buy food, or something.


The end?