Yup. Pretty much sums that up.
I beg to differ.
The Not Way to the Bye Way
Here’s a little note to all the writers out there who are attempting to get their books–self-published or otherwise–into independent bookstores: While social media may indeed be a useful tool in which to market/promote yourself/your work, it’s also a trap that prohibits you from making real, honest, contact with the booksellers who will sell your work. Don’t allow yourself to believe that it has usurped the more professional form of contact that bookstores for years have relied upon. Phones still ring in the store, and if they don’t, well, then you don’t need to worry about that store. The mail, despite rising costs, is still delivered, and stores also receive a type of mail known as “electronic mail”. You might even want to utilize the non-social media aspects of the internet, and find that store’s web page. Even Google would suggest that route, and if it’s good enough for Google, it’s good enough for you.
Now, this all may sound straightforward and obvious, but the volume of writers who abstain from protocol in favor of the easier, less research heavy–and let’s face it–lazier route is staggering. It’s as if the advent of social media has awakened schools of sleeping bats in caves that have been isolated from the whole of history and time. They just fly out, screaming their little bat heads off, and drop their query poop all over you. Case in point:
Don't Let This Happen to You
Usually, snark is to be expected from booksellers who find themselves annoyed by this type of query. Close the bookstore, and the snark level will rise like the tide before a hurricane. Combine the above with a “note” that looks as though it were written by a texting high-school student and you may as well curl up in a ball and wait out the assault. The one thing you can expect is that any bookstore you contact through Facebook in this manner can be crossed off your list. You will never be taken seriously. You will never get your book in that store. Much like agents and editors, a bookseller is swamped by requests on a daily basis. The crap will be sifted and tossed aside without a second glance. Take your queries to booksellers every bit as serious as you do to agents and editors.
YES PLEASE!
Just the one though. Simplification–it’s the future.
Catching Up on the Writering
So Kate Gosselin is “freaking out “ over her show being cancelled.
I really don’t care. I just couldn’t come up with an intro.
Although, seriously? She’s upset because her career has been derailed? Watch the video. It’s amazing how much she sounds like…well, like Kate Gosselin. Woman’s nuttier than a can of almonds.
It’s been some time since life has allowed me the time and energy to focus on writing, as well as the myriad other projects I want to work on. Now that I’ve left my post at The Corner Bookstore, I’m going to dive headlong into the wordy pool and see what comes of it. The primary objective right now is to finish Book 1 in The Storyteller series, which is tentatively called The Heart of Darkness. I should, all things being equal, complete that manuscript some time in October (preferably before I head to Richmond, Va for The James River Writers Confererence).
As I manage that daunting task, I mean to pick up the pieces of the abandoned Bookstore series of videos (newest one below) and continue building a platform with which to turn my bizzaro experiences as a bookseller into a television pilot. Think Arrested Development meets The Office and you’ll get a decent idea. Something that allows for a good bit of insanity but is more character driven than built around the location. I hope to have a new video up every Wednesday.
Additionally, I’ll have a few posts to add to The Adventures of Ducky Thomas, including his long overdue story of traveling to New York City. That post, for what it’s worth will be called The Massive Warship, and has an awful lot to do with his visit to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. The hope with Ducky is to translate his adventures into chapter books. I think the world needs stories about an adventurous duck. Ducky agrees.
Now that Flutter is out and selling, I will be returning again to the world of Timothy Webb and telling what may, or may not, be the final book in that series. I’m rather fond of Timothy and Natasha, so I may violate ever known rule of writing just to hang on to them. In the meantime, if you haven’t already, The Christ Corporation Series has a Facebook page. Like it. I’ll be posting updates there.
Finally, staring me in the face with the depth and deadness of a salivating zombie is a story that takes the traditional Zombie Apocalypse for rocking ride where it’s never been before. Not sure yet if I want to write the novel or the screenplay, but as I have information to offer, I’ll be tossing it up here on the blog.
…of which I will be visiting more often. Obviously, right?
So with nothing in my way but myself, all of these projects will be complete or underway within the next six months. I’m piling it on and looking forward to what comes of it.
Oh, and in the near future I’ll be looking for you to determine what absolutely ridiculous show I show blog about on a regular basis. That one is wide open. Anything from Springer to Gossip Girl, from The View to 90210. It’s not my call. It’s yours. I’m not sure who I hope to entertain more with that, but I’m quite positive it will be me.
That said, here’s the latest in The Bookstore series, called Potter is Hotter. Time to decide between Cullen and Potter. And pretty dresses.
Tweeting Yourself Into Flutter
Well, it’s that time again.
Time to make the call for public participation in my forthcoming second book, Flutter, which will be available August 30th. We did this for Anointed when it came out, and my publisher seems rather insistent upon offering me the leeway to do it again (for reasons she may still be trying to determine). What I’m looking for is simple: Review my book. Review it before you read it. Review it as if you’ve never read a book that you’ve reviewed before ever not reading it. If you’ll pardon the obvious copy and paste let down, here’s a small sample of what made it into Anointed last time:
“Yeah, I read it.”
–Lucy Swope, reader“Anointed is about at least as good as the half of Bret Easton Ellis’s The
Informers that doesn’t involve vampires.”
–Russ Marshalek, RussCommunications Publicist for Anointed“I don’t really feel (Anointed ’s) subject matter should be treated with a
sense of humor.”
–Unnamed editor’s rejection note, circa 2007“Not quite the Bible, but just as funny!”
–Katie Moss, bookseller“This is the thrilling conclusion to Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series!
You don’t want to miss it!”
–Christopher Choyce, Technocrat“After 12 hours of work, sleep deprivation, and an Insurance audit, this
book makes even more sense!”
–Sharon McGehee, PharmD“Anointed should be required reading in the men’s restrooms at all
American airports. It will keep that wide stance in check and prevent
wandering hands from slipping under the stall. Praise Jesus!”
–Collin Kelley, author of Conquering Venus“I liked it. It was better than CATS. I’m going to read it again and again.”
–Kimberly Kennedy, media personality and
author of Art & Craft of Entertaining“The funniest take on organized religion since the Left Behind series.”
–Tim Fredrick, Babygotbooks.com“Apparently the Anti-Christ wears cheap polyester suits and sounds like
Tony Soprano when he speaks. I mean, that’s all I got.”
–Amanda Lauter, MailChimp.com“Oh, this is, um…nice.”
–Zach’s mom
With the exception of the Unnamed Editor, who is very much real albeit nameless, these are meant in jest. Or maybe they weren’t. Never thought to ask. Hm. I may need to review this a little further. Are my friends really that funny?
Anyway, one small twist this time. As Flutter is meant as a tongue-in-cheek rail on Twitter, all reviews will be handled, and printed, by way of a Twitter username. Not on Twitter? Well, why the hell not? I mean, you don’t have to actually update or anything. Just be there. Like a kid with cotton candy watching the parade of elephant, while relishing in the sweet tangy scent of splishy-splashy urine. Better than a car wreck, is Twitter. So, get yourself a username if you don’t have one, use it if you do, and give me the best blind review of Flutter that you are capable of. You can comment on this blog, comment on my Facebook page (on either my wall or the link I post to this blog), or you can tweet it (AGGHHH! NO!) and add my username (@zsteele). All posts on Facebook, or here, need to have a Twitter username attached, otherwise it’s bunk, and will be fed to the Rancor. So here’s your chance. Get your words in print. Entry into this prestigious club of pontification is limited, and the deadline is, let’s say, July 5th. So, two weeks. You know you want to. Send/post/tweet as many as you want, but quite obviously, you’ll only get one in the book. And do remember to add your username to all non-Twitter posts. I’ve reserved some old codgy British lady to confirm that your username exists. Don’t try to cheat Mrs. Featherbottom. She’s, um, special.
Countdown to Finality
So, you have 26 days left until the Rapture. Are you ready? Made your Rapture Party Plans yet? Have you found a home for your pet yet (that is to say, for those of you who will be leaving us)? Have you made your Bucket List? Get on it people! There isn’t time to dilly, or dally, or hesitate!
Then again, utilizing a quote I heard during my recent trip to NYC (I can’t claim right to this one, but I will use the hell out of it): “Why can’t you quit? Jesus did.” So, maybe you shouldn’t do anything. Just let it happen. Heat up some queso, prop up your feet, refuse to shower and watch 26 days of television.
Hell, forward all your bills to the people at We Can Know, seeing as how they’re so up on this whole Rapture shibang. I mean, can’t there be some type of legal spin on making plans around their May 21st date…you know, in the unlikely event that they’re wrong?
Dammit. I just paid off my car. Should have thought that one through a bit more.
Still, maybe this isn’t really a bad thing at all.
I feel secure that my publisher will still be around, since I know God isn’t terribly fond of Faerie worship or purple highlights, so at least Flutter will still arrive in August. And since I’m not necessarily targeting Christians with my books (well, targeting, yes, but not in the publicity sense), then I can rest assured that my audience will still be around. In fact, this may be a boon to the publishing industry, now that I think on it, because it will eliminate…er, I mean, remove all the people who are most traditionally likely to whine about literary content. Vampire Porn for everyone! Hopefully Stephanie Meyer is taken. I can’t stomach anymore of her work.
I’m actually thinking that the bulk of people at Twitter and Facebook will still be around, so we’ll still have that. To boot, all that Christian clutter will be gone, so no more scrolling through the rants and praise to Mr. Jesus. Heck, little boys all over the world can roam free, safe and secure in the knowledge that their pants won’t be removed by some God-horny Man of the Cloth, so that’s good. Then again, won’t all the Men of the Cloth who engaged in that activity still be here? Hm. Rule of the land! It’s time to put these imbeciles on a remote island with a few other undesirables, and have an And Then There Were None reality show. Given the dearth of candidates, and only 12 slots (should we remain true to the story), I’m thinking several continuous seasons of this will do fine.
Fortunately, we’ll still have this:
So that’s cool.
I’m actually feeling confident that the bulk of television shows, actors and actresses, producers, directors, musicians, writers, artists and executives will still be around, so I guess Hollywood just keeps rolling. I mean, they didn’t stop for Pearl Harbor or 9/11, did they? Can’t seem them seeing this any differently. So, we’ll still have a major portion of our art intact.
This solves our energy crises, doesn’t it? And food shortages?
Can we get back to community-based lifestyles, and weed out the box stores? I can promise you all non-Christian based indie bookstores will still be around. They didn’t break for Amazon or B&N, so I figure the Rapture won’t kill their inspiration either. Should be plenty of stock and, as mentioned, better quality to choose from, so there you are. Another win.
Looks like the recession is over. Jobs for everyone!
May have to entertain that Trump for President thing, after all. He’ll still be around. I mean, it would appear that every politician is a Christian, or so they would have you believe. Surely they weren’t lying about that. I’ll vote for him. Although George Clooney might be more interested now that there’s no real backlash to him running, right? Hell, all of Hollywood might put their name in the hat if they can do so comfortably knowing that there’s no one left to call them out on their loose-running morality issues.
What else?
You know, this may very well be the greatest Litmus test in the whole of testing things that aren’t what they purport to be. I sense a great deal of finger waggling, post Rapture, with some, “Ahhhhhh, I knew you weren’t a Christian!” in for good measure. Playground rules apply. Those shamed are cast into the Pit of the Unwanton Liars Who Used to Be Bullies But Are Now Just Stupid Dummy Butts.
Yeah, I’m liking this post-Rapture world.
I need to go stock up on cheese. Feel free to do the same. In the meantime, what did I forget?
The Bookstore #8, Publish What?
The latest in the ongoing series of The Bookstore is one that booksellers everywhere will relate to. With the advent and ease of print-on-demand publishing, bookstores are hit repeatedly by that customer who want to have their book displayed in the store. These customers are not only persistent, they refuse to understand why booksellers don’t want to stock their title(s). Usually it has quite a lot more to do with the lack of editing and skill in the work than it does that the majority of these titles are deemed un-returnable, should they not sell in-store. So, they’re stuck with a crap book with a crap cover that no one will buy for a dollar. But worse than that customer is the one who has come to believe that booksellers–because they are so entrenched in the industry–have lead-ins to publishers that may be exploited at a moment’s desire. And that’s where we find Eddie today. Face to face with a customer who believes himself to be a writer, and is determined to make use of Eddie’s contacts and/or complete and utter understanding of what publishers want.
I Have a Wrong Way to Go (until I find the right one) 